


Devil May Cry

by TheSilverField



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Forced Medication, M/M, Mental Instability, Mistaken Mental Illness, Modern Era, Possible Triggering Content (Please Read Notes), Reincarnation, Slow Burn, insane asylum
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-12
Updated: 2019-08-11
Packaged: 2019-09-17 03:10:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16966557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSilverField/pseuds/TheSilverField
Summary: From one life to another, memories bleed through the veil of time and subconscious. Sometimes we lose our minds along the way.





	1. Lonely Doctor

**Author's Note:**

> Since this story takes place in an insane asylum, there may be triggering content for some readers. There's talk of mental illness, forced medication, needles, anxiety, depression, Intermittent Explosive Disorder, character death, and depictions of violence. Tags will be added as these themes come up, so please be sure to check for any add-ons before reading each update. Thank you. <3
> 
> Also! A huge and loving thank you to ConstantCacoethes! Zam, you're amazing and I love you so much! Thank you for being my beta! <3

“Doctor, he’s doing it again.”

  
Grisha sighed deeply at the interruption of his paperwork, the candles on his desk still burning tall from their short time of being lit. He didn’t bother blowing them out as he stood to his feet, fixing his circular glasses better to the bridge of his nose. “What exactly is he doing, Petra? Not taking his medicine, I presume?” He asked tiredly, taking a swig of brandy to clear the gruffness in his throat. 

Petra nodded somberly, her face pale like the moon, honey eyes dull from the exhaustion of her work. “Yes, sir. Not only that, but he’s refusing to eat and drink. He’s been scribbling on the walls for days, muttering about titans and a Captain Levi.”

Grisha sighed solemnly again, hiding his frustration behind a cool exterior. “Thank you for informing me. Why don’t you take the rest of the weekend off? We’ll be fine and you look exhausted.”

Petra smiled almost as brightly as the new engagement ring twinkling on her left finger, saying her thanks before taking her leave from the doctor’s office. Once she was in the corridor again, her purse and coat clutched under her arm, she looked back. Back down the hall towards room 330, where her patient was surely still calling for a love he had never met.

Grisha stayed in his office a moment longer, trying his best to think up a solution. He could have him force-fed, could have a few of the orderlies hold him down while he was administered a much stronger form of medication, but that all seemed so barbaric. No matter what mental or physical illness the patients were suffering, they were still people. Grisha had never been one to ever force such treatment on the mentally unstable here, but he would admit it was hard not to consider sometimes.

With one last sip of his beverage, Grisha headed down the gloomy corridors of the asylum. He offered gentle smiles to those he passed, reassuring them all with sunny eyes, hiding his sorrow and sympathy for them well. Grisha kept up the smiling mask he had been donning for years until he came upon room 330, knocking lightly before taking out his key and slipping inside.

“Eren,” he said softly, looking brokenly toward his son, who was staring out his barred window into the courtyard below. “Why aren’t you taking your medicine?”

“Shhh,” Eren whispered. “You’ll scare her away.”

Grisha stayed perfectly still so as not to disturb whatever Eren was looking at, lowering his voice when he spoke up once again. “Scare who, son?”

Eren leaned his head on the wall, making it so Grisha could see the profile of his face, the tears slipping down his sunken cheeks, sunlight reflecting off of his bright green irises. “Mom.”

The single word burnt holes through Grisha’s chest, his mind flashing images of his late wife. Suddenly, his eyes felt foggy and his knees felt weak, but Grisha pushed the images away, ignored the burning within him, and took a deep breath.

“Eren, your mother isn’t here, remember? She passed away from pneumonia when you were ten.”

Eren’s body tensed, fury flashing through him like a bolt of lightning. “Then how do you explain the hummingbird?”

The angry tone didn’t take Grisha off guard--he was well used to it by now. It only made his chest ache more, meeting Eren’s question with only silence. Instead of asking what Eren meant, he gave his son a moment to cool his own mind, waiting for him to explain himself.

Eren took a few calming breaths, just as his father had taught him before, his broad shoulders slowly relaxing. “Mom loved hummingbirds,” he began, softer now. “They were her favorite. Ever since you caged me here, a hummingbird comes to my window every single day. It’s her, dad. You can’t explain that away like you did with me.”

“I didn’t cage you, Eren,” Grisha said calmly, though he could feel his own frustration boiling in the pit of his stomach. “You’re in here because it’s what’s best for you and--”

“I’m not crazy!” Eren shouted suddenly, cutting his father off as he finally spun around to face him. There were fresh tears making their way down his cheeks, but they were tears of anger now. “You made me this way! I just want to find him! I have to find Levi!”

Grisha lost his temper almost as quickly as Eren had, running a hand through his combed hair. “You’re delusional, Eren. There are and were no titans. Captain Levi doesn’t exist. It’s all in your head, which is exactly why you’re here.”

“I am not!” Eren snarled, bulling up at Grisha with his fists clenched tight, practically spitting every word. “Don’t give me this shit! I know what I remember! You’re just trying to keep me locked up here!”

“You think this is what your mother and I wanted for you?!” Grisha shouted back, the last of his composure withering to dust. “This is the last place on earth I would want you to be! I’m not keeping you locked away in an insane asylum to hurt you! I don’t want to lose my son too! Not after your mother, and certainly not to some nightmarish fantasy! I’m trying to help you!”

Eren was ready to snap back with something harsh, but his anger extinguished as quickly as it had lit aflame. “You’re not going to lose me, dad.”

“You’re right. I’m not going to lose you,” Grisha sighed as he turned back to the door, ignoring the scribbled writings of a madman on its surface and on the wall around it. “Because it seems I already have. Take your medicine, or we’ll have to resort to force, Eren.”

“Dad, please--”

But Grisha was gone, locking the door before making his way back to his office where his mask finally cracked into fragments, his tears streaming through the broken facade.


	2. Monster vs Angel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of heaven. A little bit of hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since this story takes place in an insane asylum, there may be triggering content for some readers. There's talk of mental illness, forced medication, needles, anxiety, depression, Intermittent Explosive Disorder, character death, and depictions of violence. Tags will be added as these themes come up, so please be sure to check for any add-ons before reading each update. Thank you. <3
> 
> Also! A huge and loving thank you to ConstantCacoethes! Zam, you're amazing and I love you so much! Thank you for being my beta! <3

For Eren, dreams held no light, and sleep was bottomless; stretching far past the moonlit horizons of his mind. Sometimes, his dreams were just flashes, a film roll clicking past memories or storms of thunderous white noise that woke him in a sweaty panic. Other times, he wasn’t so lucky.

His mother would come to him first, walking through the shadows of a home long destroyed. She would hold him and kiss his face, the room alight with her loving smile as she softly sang lullabies. Eren would point at a hummingbird flitting in the kitchen window, but before his mother could take notice, the peaceful dream would melt away and the true nightmare would begin.

The sky turned an angry red, the air hanging thick with terror and the smell of death. If Eren wasn’t so preoccupied with trying to save his mother from their collapsed home, he would hear his neighbors screaming for help, begging for mercy, then silence as their lives were cut short.

Footsteps pounded the crumbling earth, getting closer to them with every second they had left. When Eren looked up, horror struck him on the chest, taking his breath away as he stared at the monster looming over them. Unfeeling black eyes, a wide menacing grin; Eren would never forget that face.

As many times as Eren had had this dream, he could never possibly begin to get used to it. It only grew more painful every time he was taken away from his mother, watching as she was plucked from the rubble and devoured by the smiling titan.

Eren woke up gasping, his face bathed in his own tears as he came back to this realm of reality, back to his cage. After the deafening sounds overwhelming his nightmares, the silence of early morning was a well-acquainted friend, always visiting before the rest of the asylum came alive.

Although Eren didn’t quite think of this place as alive.

Fate was a cruel thing, his bloodline just as unfortunate in this life as it was in the one prior. No matter what, Eren always seemed to be a prisoner, trapped by walls he wasn’t permitted to leave. Outcasted, ridiculed, his future ripped from his hands before he could even grasp it.

It happened before when his father bred him to become a monster, the so-called hope of humanity. Eren hadn’t been allowed a choice. He didn’t get to have a say in the way he lived or died. He hated to admit it now, but Eren could finally see that he was only a pawn in a much bigger game. A slave to his father’s and brother’s wills.

It was their fault he lost everything. The respect and trust of his regiment, the love of his friends, and Levi...

Eren was snapped out of his regretful thoughts when he heard a knock on the door, turning his attention to Petra peeking in with a soft smile.

“Good morning, Eren,” she chirped, stepping in and closing the door behind her with her hip. She was carrying in Eren’s breakfast tray, the same food it was every morning; scrambled eggs, a glass of orange juice, and two little blue pills. “I snuck you in a packet of ketchup for your eggs. Don’t rat me out.”

Eren smiled graciously at her consideration, but he tried to ignore the lingering tendrils of regret when looking her in the eyes. “Morning. Thank you, but I’m not hungry.”

Petra set the tray down on Eren’s bedside table anyway and took a seat on the foot of the bed, taking out a small pad and pen for notes. “You had the really bad nightmare again?”

Eren cringed at the reminder and nodded, glancing out the nearby window. “Yeah, I did. It’s still exactly the same. I’m still reliving the titans destroying my home and killing my mother. It all feels so real.”

Petra wrote something down and looked back up at Eren with caring eyes, her voice even softer and kinder than before. Even in this life, she was still the nicest person to ever walk the earth. “I understand how scary and painful it must be to see all of that, Eren. But you just have to remember, even though it feels real, it’s not. Titans aren’t real.”

Eren turned back toward his nurse with haunting eyes, his face slack of emotion. “Not anymore.”

Petra cleared her throat and tried again to smile. “Right. I’ll be back at 1:30 with Mike to bring you to the showers, then we’ll make it to therapy for 2:15. Sound like a good plan?”

Eren sighed tiredly as Petra stood back to her feet. “Sounds like the same plan as always. Thanks again for the food.”

“You can thank me by eating it,” she retorted, patting Eren’s shoulder in reassurance. “Please.”

“We’ll see,” he quipped, not making any promises

“Eren,” Petra bit her lip, looking down at the floor sadly. “If you don’t eat, you can’t take your medicine. Not only that, but you’ve lost nearly eight pounds since your check-up last week. If you won’t do it for you--”

Eren snapped, his oceanic eyes burning with a sudden onset of fiery rage. “I said we’ll see! If I want to fucking eat, I’ll do it! If I don’t, then I fucking won’t! Run and tell my dad again all you want, it doesn’t change a damn thing!”

Petra’s hand jerked away at Eren’s outburst. She’d worked here for months, but she still found it hard to get used to Eren’s mood swings. His fury was like a natural disaster, taking out anything and everything in his path, no matter who it was.

She in no way blamed Eren for his behavior; it wasn’t something he could help. Intermittent Explosive Disorder made people a ticking time bomb--sometimes physically violent, always destructive. But Eren was such a strange case.

More than half the time, Eren was laid back and reclusive. He hated interacting with other patients, speaking with his therapist, or doing anything that didn’t take place in his room. However, when he was placed in group activities or sitting in a more public area, he was polite to those who braved approaching him.

The only times he lost his temper--at least with Petra--was when she pressed him about eating and taking his medicine, or when his father was mentioned. For months she had started fostering a bond with him by talking about other things, leaving her boss out of their conversations entirely. But lately, with Eren’s rapidly worsening physical and mental conditions, Petra had become more vocal about the touchy subjects, meaning more tantrums.

With all this in mind, Petra nodded and spoke to Eren in a way that was still soothing. “I’m sorry, Eren. I shouldn’t push you so hard. I’m just worried about you.”

Petra watched as Eren’s heaving breaths turned deep as he shut his eyes to calm himself. “No, I… I’m sorry. I don’t mean to…”

“I know,” she said quickly, inching closer toward the door. “Like I said, I’ll be back at 1:30.”

Eren nodded somberly, turning his gaze back to the window so that Petra couldn’t see the tears of regret burning his eyes. “Okay. Thanks.”

Petra smiled softly, slipping back out the door and locking it with a click. She walked down a side corridor that was more secluded than all the others, pressing her back against the wall as she pulled out her phone and dialed her fiance’s number.

It rang twice before he answered, his voice coming through the receiver muffled by the loud clanging and banging of the mechanic’s shop on his end.

“Everything okay?” he asked immediately, finding it strange that Petra would call in the middle of her shift.

Hearing his voice was like a breath of fresh air, the relief making tears well in her golden eyes. “Hello to you too. Everything’s okay, I’m okay. I just really needed to hear your voice.”

“You don’t sound okay,” he replied knowingly, hearing the tremble in her voice as clear as day. “Was it that angry kid again?”

Petra stayed quiet a moment, which only seemed to fuel her fiance’s worry.

“Did he hurt you?”

She snapped out of her silence at the question, shaking her head quick enough to give herself whiplash before she remembered he couldn’t see her. “No! No, he would never! We’re friends!” she said defensively. “And anyway, I thought we agreed that we would refer to him as Rogue and that you would stop calling him ‘that angry kid.’ It’s offensive.”

“Right, right. Sorry.” He chuckled, and the warm sound sent a flutter through Petra’s chest. “But I thought we agreed that you wouldn’t get too close to him. He’s not supposed to be your friend, Petra. He’s your patient.”

Petra sighed in defeat, kicking her foot back against the wall. “I know. I just can’t help it. There’s something about him that I can’t quite put my finger on. I feel like we have some kind of connection, you know?”

“Careful or I might start getting jealous.”

“I wouldn’t mind it if you did.”

They both laughed quietly, but a loud crash on the other end of the line cut them off from their moment together.

“Shit! What the fuck was that?” her fiance called out, holding the phone away from his mouth so he wouldn’t hurt Petra’s ear. “Shit, I’m sorry, Petra. I gotta go break a few hands. I’ll see you at home tonight. Love you.”

Petra quieted a giggle, feeling worlds better after hearing those last two words. “See you at home. I love you too, Levi.”

The call ended with a click. Petra straightened herself once more and headed to her next patient to bring them to breakfast. Her steps felt lighter as she walked past room 330, but her heart still ached for the man inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Remember that kudos and comments make my day! :D
> 
> Since this story takes place in an insane asylum, there may be triggering content for some readers. There's talk of mental illness, forced medication, needles, anxiety, depression, Intermittent Explosive Disorder, character death, and depictions of violence. Tags will be added as these themes come up, so please be sure to check for any add-ons before reading each update. Thank you. <3
> 
> Also! A huge and loving thank you to ConstantCacoethes! Zam, you're amazing and I love you so much! Thank you for being my beta! <3


	3. Death with Dignity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes the change we don't want is exactly what we need.

Petra was in much higher spirits after her phone call with Levi. There was more of a skip in her step, even after she had to call in Mike for help with a patient having a schizophrenic break. Her smile was bright as she walked down the corridors with Mike, back to room 330 to bring Eren to the showers, then to therapy.

“You’re more chipper than usual,” Mike stated plainly, a knowing smirk on his face. “Which is saying something, Peaches.”

Petra laughed softly at the nickname. “Oh? What makes you say so? Can you smell it?”

“You don’t usually smile this much after having to deal with one of Reiner’s episodes.” Mike stopped outside of Eren’s room door, turning to Petra with a glint in his eye.

Petra shrugged nonchalantly, knocking on Eren’s door. “I guess I’m just starting to get the hang of things around here.”

“About time.” Mike teased, earning an elbow to the ribs.

Petra opened the door to peek inside and smiled softly at Eren. “Hi, Eren. Ready to hit the shower? I’ve got you some fresh clothes and towels right out of the dryer.”

“Thank you,” Eren said distractedly, his eyes moving to watch something in motion outside. “Can I have just a minute? Mom’s visiting.”

Normally, Petra would say no and explain that they were pressed for time to make it to his session today. But after his outburst this morning, Petra nodded in approval. “Sure, Eren. You can visit her for a few more minutes, but we really should go soon. Is it alright if Mike and I have a seat on your bed?”

Eren nodded, never taking his eyes off of the hummingbird flitting around just on the other side of the glass. “I heard Reiner screaming. Is he okay?”

Petra and Mike took a seat, her smile faltering. “He’s having some trouble right now, but I’m sure he’ll be okay. We just need to be a good support system for him.”

“Must be so hard for him. Being without Bertolt has gotta be so painful.” Eren looked down at his hands in his lap, noticing that they were shaking. “I understand what that’s like.”

Mike exchanged a confused look with Petra, sure he had never seen Eren and Reiner interact before. Their schedules conflicted, they both didn’t come out of their rooms much. Sure, it was possible. But when?

“I wasn’t aware the two of you were friends,” Mike prompted, hoping to get a story out of it.

“We’re not. Not anymore.”

Mike was left puzzled while Eren looked back out the window. He set his hand against the cool glass when he noticed the hummingbird had flown away, then stood and stretched his back. “We should get going, I guess. Dr. Erwin hates it when I’m late.”

Petra took a deep breath, unsure how Eren was going to react to the new information. “Actually, you won’t be seeing Dr. Erwin anymore,” she said softly, her tone as soothing as it could possibly be. “He was promoted to supervisor, so starting today you’ll have a new therapist.”

“Oh,” Eren quipped. He wasn’t too worried about the change. Though he hated therapy, he liked Erwin. After his untimely demise in their previous life, Eren liked being able to see and talk to him again, this time as equals.

“I know it’s sudden, but you will still be able to see him,” Petra continued. “Since he’s the supervisor over the therapists now, he’ll be checking in with you to make sure you’re with the right person and that you’re continuing to progress in your treatments.”

Eren nodded in understanding, staring down at his feet. “Am I gonna go shower now, or what?”

“Oh, of course!” Petra did her best to smile again as she stood with Mike, walking from the room with Eren between them.

The walk toward the public showers was silent, the air hanging thick with awkward tension. Eren usually tended to make conversation on their walks through the halls, but now he remained quiet in deep thought. Who was this new therapist? Did Erwin choose them specifically for Eren? Was he even involved in the decision, or was this someone Grisha had chosen?

Whatever the case, change was always something Eren was able to embrace and adapt to, as long as it didn’t feel too personal. When Eren changed rooms or was prescribed a different medication, he barely bat an eye. But this felt too much like he was losing his friends again. His hands felt sweaty, his mind flooding with confusion and anxiety. Eren’s body seemed to be moving from pure instinct now, much like it had when he had fought the Titans, before he was born into this lonely life. 

If it weren’t for Mike handing him his towel and giving him his time limit, Eren wouldn’t have remembered getting to the showers, undressing, or turning on the faucet. His mind only fully came back to him once the spray of water hit his skin, icy cold and just what he needed to ground him again.

Taking a deep breath, Eren began to quickly scrub himself down, hoping to spend the least amount of time here as possible. He hated showers, hated the tedious process of cleaning himself to the standards of a man he couldn’t go home to, but it was the loneliness of this time that made it so much worse. 

There was nothing here but the pitter patter of water and his mind to keep him company. At least in his room, he had the visits from his mother to look forward to. Showers were where the voices of his past felt the need to make conversation.

Sometimes, they whispered. Sometimes they were friendly, soft memories that brought a sad smile to Eren’s lips. Other times, their tongues were acid, poison seeping into Eren’s veins until he was braced against the shower wall.

But there was one voice in particular that always asked the same thing.

_ Did you wash behind your ears? _

The hushed words had never echoed so loudly inside Eren’s head, bouncing around his skull as if to mock him. His heart throbbed against his ribs, a dull aching that couldn’t be soothed under the stream of frigid water.

“Yes, sir,” he answered every time, choking down what sanity he had left. “Always for you.”

As soon as Eren spoke, a knock came from the bathroom door, Mike’s sign that his shower is over. It’s time to get dressed. It’s time for therapy.

It’s time for yet another failed attempt to be human. 

With a sigh of relief, Eren cut the shower off and quickly dried himself. Once he was dressed in his fresh clothes, he stepped back into the hall. Water still dripped from his hair and slid down his neck and back in dewy drops, but Petra had been prepared for this.

“I brought you an extra towel,” she said with a kind smile, holding out the smaller towel to him. “I noticed you have one of the same pet peeves as my fiance. You both hate using the same towel on your hair that you use on your body.” Her giggle was airy, her smile light as Eren took the towel slowly from her hands.

“Thank you,” Eren said quietly, his mind reeling from Petra’s words.

Time stopped around him and Eren was taken back into his past life, his eyes swimming in memories that almost looked tangible. It felt like he was really there again, laid naked in Captain Levi’s bed as he looked longingly at the man stepping out of the bathroom. He had one towel wrapped loosely around his hips, and another around his neck to catch the water from his damp hair.

“Two towels?” Eren had asked teasingly.

“Yes,” Captain Levi had stated, leaving no room for argument. “I’m not drying my hair with the same towel I just used to dry my ass with. Fucking disgusting.”

Eren had laughed at Levi’s grumbling, bravely grabbing his arm and pulling him back down into the bed, Levi’s towel falling from his hips in the process. “Remind me why you felt the need to bathe again?” he had asked, green eyes alight with mischief as he crawled on top of Levi.

“You shithead. It was because I was covered in sweat and cum,” Levi rolled his eyes, but something had stirred in his stomach when Eren straddled him. “You didn’t change the sheets.”

“Nope,” Eren had winked, taking in the hint of a smile on Levi’s lips before slotting their mouths together. Later that night, Levi found himself returning to the bathroom to clean up once again.

Eren snapped back into the present when Mike nudged his shoulder to get him moving again. Before he could ask Petra anything about her fiance, she and Mike ushered him down the hall toward the medical wing.  They didn’t have much of a walk from the showers until they saw Dr. Erwin standing next to a stranger with crooked glasses and shaggy brown hair pulled back into a high ponytail.

Erwin looked up when he noticed the trio approaching, smiling apologetically at Eren. “Hello, Eren. How are you feeling today?”

Eren stayed silent as he stared at the person grinning at him, blinking back waves of memories from his teary eyes. “Hanji,” he breathed, all of his guilt and shame rising up in his chest once more.

While Erwin, Petra, and Mike all stood with a look of perplexity, Dr. Hanji had a sparkle of interest in their dark brown eyes and only smiled wider.

“Hello, Eren! Dr. Erwin here has told me so much about you,” they said excitedly, clapping Erwin on the shoulder. “I’m Dr. Hanji Zoe, but you somehow already know that. Are you ready to start your introduction session?”

Eren was still too stunned to speak at first, too caught up in the emotions and thoughts swirling around inside him, raging like a vortex. It took Petra’s hand on his shoulder to bring him back to reality again.

“I--” Eren cut himself off, looking toward Dr. Erwin as if he had just noticed his presence. Erwin smiled softly and nodded, giving Eren the subtle push that he needed. “Okay.”

“Brilliant!” Hanji cheered a little too loudly, grinning that same madman kind of smile they always had. They took Petra’s notes from today gratefully and waved Eren to follow them into their new office. “I’m sorry it’s a little cluttered in here; I’m still settling in.”

A little cluttered was a gigantic understatement. The room was a mess, but Eren hadn’t expected anything else from Hanji.

“Make yourself at home! Coffee?” Dr. Hanji grinned while they fixed their own mug, looking up at Eren expectantly.

“No,” Eren said while watching some of the liquid slosh onto the desk, taking his normal seat. “I like tea.”

The way Eren spoke sparked something within Hanji, flickering in the depths of their mind like a candle threatening to go out in a breeze. As quickly as it had come, the feeling vanished.

“Sorry to say that I don’t have any with me this time, but I’ll be sure to bring some by for our future sessions!” Hanji’s cheerfulness was almost enough to make Eren smile.

Hanji flicked through the notes Petra had given them with an unbelievable quickness, sipping their coffee as they took their own notes without even looking at the page they were writing on. Their wide-brimmed glasses, slightly disheveled clothes, and the way they slouched, was so familiar to Eren. When Eren spoke again, it was so sudden that he startled himself.

“Are you still clocked in at six hundred words per minute?”

Hanji spit their coffee back into their mug, turning back to Eren with wide eyes. “How in the world did you know that? Did Erwin tell you anything about me in your last session?”

Eren shrugged, dropping his eyes to his lap. “I’ve seen you like this before.”

Hanji studied Eren for a moment longer. They were an excellent read of character, breaking down Eren’s behavior and involuntary mannerisms. That’s why they had been asked to move here to study and treat Eren. If anyone could make any real progress with him, Hanji could.

At least that’s how Grisha saw it.

“Fascinating! Would you mind explaining to me what you mean?”

A pit opened in the bottom of Eren’s stomach. He had been asked so many times before to explain himself. Every time that he did, he was always shut down and told he was insane. His medication dosages would be upped and his schedule would be filled with more therapy sessions. It was all a vicious cycle that Eren felt utterly stuck in.

“This isn’t the first life that I’ve lived.” Eren lifted his gaze to meet Hanji’s. They looked genuinely intrigued, not at all how others looked at him when he explained his past.

“Go on,” Hanji prompted.

Eren took a deep breath and explained everything from the very beginning, all the while feeling like a weight was lifting off his chest. He was so used to having people stop him, explain to him that this is crazy--that  _ he’s _ crazy--but Hanji hung onto his every word. It looked to him as though they were committing every detail to memory. Maybe they even saw the murky images of those titans swimming behind their vision. Eren wasn’t sure, but he let himself believe for now that maybe Hanji saw him as more than the delusional boy so many painted him to be.

While Eren spoke, Hanji began to think that if Eren was truly insane, then so were they.

Because they believed him.

There was too much that Eren knew about the people around him for this to be some delusion caused by childhood trauma. He knew what town Hanji was originally from and that they were married, even though they weren’t wearing a ring. He used their proper pronouns immediately, something that confused everyone Hanji met, but Eren knew without it having to be brought to his attention. He even knew they were partially blind in their left eye. That was something only a handful of Hanji’s closest friends and family members knew.

A sort of melancholy weighed heavily on Eren once he finished telling his side of the story. His shoulders sagged and his head dipped, tears leaving salty trails down his cheeks. The room was quiet, the two of them trying to catch up to the emotions running through them.

As much as Hanji wanted to tell Eren they believed him, even if the story sounded completely batshit, they knew they couldn’t. They needed to stay neutral and unbiased in Eren’s case, or they would no longer be permitted to work as his therapist. Hell, they may even get themself thrown in a cell next door. For Hanji to truly work this out--and find answers of their own--they had to continue seeing Eren as their patient.

“That’s a lot for someone your age to deal with,” Hanji finally spoke up, tapping their pen against the desk. “I can’t imagine how lonely you must feel.”

The words genuinely caught Eren off guard. No one had ever approached Eren’s condition so personally. No one seemed to consider his feelings at all, only the state of his mind. 

“You have no idea,” Eren choked up, feeling a sense of relief flood over him. “I miss my sister. My friends. I miss having someone to talk to about random shit, someone who isn’t constantly evaluating me. I miss feeling… normal.”

“Then let’s fix that!” Hanji exclaimed suddenly, an idea lighting up their already bright eyes. “If you miss your friends and family, why don’t you call them? See if they’d be willing to come visit you.”

As much as the idea made Eren’s heart race with hope, he shook his head. “Because I know they won’t. Once they know who’s calling, they’ll just hang up.”

“Eren, you won’t know unless--”

“I do!” Eren snapped, then took a deep, calming breath. “I do know. I… I said and did something awful. They could never forgive me. They would never come to visit.”

Hanji didn’t flinch at Eren’s outburst, smiling softly as they stood and walked to Eren’s side. They set a gentle hand on his shoulder. “That’s not your decision to make. It’s theirs. Try. Just try.”

Eren didn’t say anything for a while, but he finally caved.

“Whatever you say, Commander.”

Hanji’s grin was beaming and wild. “Excellent! Best of luck, Eren!”

_ Really, _ Hanji thought to themself.  _ Best of luck. _


	4. Conversations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge thank you to my wonderful beta, ConstantCocoethes!! Zam-a-ram, you're the best!! Thank you for doing all that you do for me, god knows I couldn't do it without you! I love you so much!! <3

Three days had passed since Eren’s first session with Hanji, and not a moment went by that he wasn’t mulling over what they said. The thoughts of calling his sister and best friend hammered against his skull and pulled at his heartstrings, and he was beginning to lose even more sleep than normal. Oceanic eyes that were once bright with hope and determination had become bloodshot and dull. He was barely getting out of bed, on the verge of risking anemia, and suffering from migraines and a tremor that wouldn’t go away.

If he hadn’t already lost the only people who had ever truly tried to understand him, the fear that he was about to helped secure his silence.  At least if he didn’t know they hated him, Eren could make himself believe they still loved him. Even if it was pretend, it was something to hold on to. Not knowing where they stood was just a safety net disguised as the real thing.

But safe didn’t equal better. Life here without them felt too small and empty; more like he was trapped in solitary confinement of a prison. Damned. Eren knew he wasn’t crazy, but the hopelessness of being lonely was nearly enough to make him so.

Not only was there the fear of calling his loved ones, but Eren would have to face his father again to ask permission. That, more than anything, was enough to keep him locked away in his room.

Until Petra came by.

Eren wasn’t sure how long he had been crying; he only noticed when his door opened with a click and Petra peeked in. Her sweet smile faded when she saw the tear stains dotting the collar of his shirt, quickly stepping inside and taking a seat next to him on the bed.

“Eren,” Petra said soothingly and reached over to cover his hand with hers. “Should I call Dr. Hanji in for an emergency appointment?”

Though he wanted to speak, Eren could only manage to shake his head in response.

Petra bit her lip, hesitant, but nodded. “Alright. Everything’s going to be okay. We can work this out together. Can you take some deep breaths with me?”

Eren nodded, inhaling deeply through his nose and exhaling through his mouth. He imagined that he was blowing bubbles in order to keep his breathing under control. Though he hated to admit it, this was a genius exercise that his father had taught him when he was younger.

“Good job, Eren. Good breathing.”

“I’m scared.”

Petra blinked at him in shock. Eren had never once shared his feelings with her. She always had to make evaluations based on his mood, and sometimes that felt more like playing a guessing game than helping treat a patient. His openness was sudden, but it was something that Petra had been hoping for since she started working here.

“Will you talk to me?” She lightly squeezed his hand in reassurance. “Will you tell me what you’re afraid of?”

Eren took another calming breath. “In our session, Hanji recommended that I call my friends. That I ask them to come visit me.”

Petra’s heart flipped at Eren’s openness, but she hid her excitement. “I think that would be a great idea, Eren. I hate seeing you so lonely.”

“I hate feeling this lonely,” Eren morosed, wiping at his damp cheeks. “But what if they say no? What if they don’t answer? What if they do answer and tell me they hate me? Or that they hope I rot in here so they never have to see me again?”

“Those are just what-ifs, Eren,” Petra interrupted, her voice quiet and calming. “You’re thinking through all of the worst case scenarios, but have you given any thought to all of the wonderful things that could happen?”

Eren looked at her as if she were the crazy one, like there was absolutely no way anything good could come out from this. It broke Petra’s heart.

“Eren, you could get your friends back. You could hear their voices and see their faces again. It might take a while, but you could potentially get back to the way things used to be.”

“No,” Eren shook his head. “Things will never get back to how they were. I don’t want them to. It was all a lie.”

“What do you mean, Eren?” Petra prompted. “What was a lie?”

“Our friendship.”

Petra opened her mouth to speak, to ask what he meant, but Eren cut her off by standing up to pace around the room in frustration.

“It was all just a fucking lie, Petra. I was there when they needed me. Through all the ups and downs. They were there for me too, so I thought I could trust them. I told them about what I remembered, and you know what they did?” Eren growled as he kicked at the small bedside table, knocking it over in a sudden fit of rage. “They didn’t believe me! They were my best friends, my family, but when I told them what I remembered they didn’t mind watching me get dragged here! They didn’t try to stop anything! They just fucking watched!”

Petra’s hand moved to the walkie-talkie clipped to her belt, getting ready to call in for backup. But for some unknown reason, she couldn’t bring herself to push the button just yet.

“They hurt you, Eren. I understand that. I understand hurt,” Petra said honestly and watched in silent awe as Eren’s shoulders relaxed slightly. She moved her hand back to her lap. “But I know that they didn’t meant to hurt you, and I think, deep down, you know that too.”

For a moment, Eren stilled. He stopped pacing, stopped fuming, stopped listening to the negative thoughts in his head. This was the first time that he had been able to clear his mind and see that he wasn’t actually alone here. Because there was someone--a few people, actually--who were willing to stop what they were doing to talk with him and understand. To listen and offer advice that wasn’t just another prescription.

The next breath he took in felt fuller and fresher. A flame long gone out flickered and sparked.

“Will you help me?”

Petra was amazed. Never once was she able to calm Eren on her own. In fact, she felt more as if she made him feel worse most of the time. Eren was always telling her to leave, not asking for her help. So with this new development, she didn’t hesitate.

“Of course. Whatever you need, Eren. I’m always here to help.”

Eren hesitated, but gave in, and he next day Petra and Mike came in to escort him to the phones. It had taken a while, but Petra had finally been able to convince Grisha to let Eren make two calls. One to his sister Mikasa, the other to his childhood best friend Armin.

Eren couldn’t decide what felt heavier, the weight of anxiety on his chest, or the phone he was holding in his hand. His heaving breaths were drowned out by the blare of ringing and his heart stopped at every pause. But nothing shot more fear through him than when he heard his sister’s voice come through the line.

“Hello?”

Such a simple word shouldn’t scorch his brain like it did. It shouldn’t make tears well in his eyes or hammer against his ribs in tandem with his racing heart. It shouldn’t bring him to his knees.

But it did.

“Mikasa,” he finally stammered out against the shock. “It’s Eren.”

The call was silent for a long while. Eren almost gave up hope and hung up, but Mikasa speaking again stopped him.

“Eren,” Mikasa repeated as if she were trying to recall who he was. “It’s been--”

“Almost two years,” Eren finished. “I know. I was scared.”

“So was I.”

Another three minutes passed and Eren was losing grip on himself.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered breathlessly, knotting his fingers in his hair. “Mikasa, I am so, so sorry. I know that I can never make up for what I’ve put you through, but I’m so sorry. And I know you probably hate me and never want to see me again, but please. Just--will you come visit?”

He couldn’t see it, but his desperate and broken tone made Mikasa flinch. “I don’t know if I can, Eren.”

His hand clenched around the phone. “I need you.”

Something visceral welled in the pit of Mikasa’s stomach. “After two years you finally remembered me? Now you decide that you need me?”

“I didn’t finally remember you,” Eren snapped just as angrily. “I’ve thought about you and Armin every single day. I’ve been too afraid to call because I thought you would hate me. I can’t take that right now, Mikasa. I can’t take losing the two of you. You… You’re all I have left.”

“You hurt us, Eren,” Mikasa whispered after taking a deep breath.

“I know,” Eren croaked through a sob. “I know and I will never forgive myself. I’m so sorry, Mikasa. But I was hurt too. I still am.”

“That’s no excuse.”

Eren wanted to scream. It seemed no matter how hard he tried, he always ended up a monster.

A moment passed and Eren thought he heard Mikasa take a deep breath. “Let me think about it. It might take me a few days, but please be patient and let me think about it.”

Eren’s whole body went limp from relief. He leaned against the wall for support, clutching the phone tight against his ear. When he could finally regain his breath and his ability to speak, he whispered, “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me yet, Eren,” Mikasa warned softly, her voice thick with exhaustion. “There’s a lot to process here.”

“I know,” Eren conceded, but he was feeling more hopeful now. “I love you, Mikasa. I really do.”

Mikasa hesitated, letting a few tears slip from her steely eyes before finally replying, “I love you too, Eren.”

The call went silent and Eren felt as if a weight was already beginning to lift off his chest. Although he was weeping at this point, he couldn’t stop himself from smiling over the fact that he had done it. With Hanji and Petra’s help, Eren had stepped up and called his sister. He finally held some semblance of pride. He heard his sister’s voice, worked through his fear, and found the strength to do something for himself, something that he desperately needed.

_ I did it, _ he thought.  _ I finally did it. _

Before he could let himself get too excited over something that may not even happen, he dialed a second number and waited. No answer. His smile began to fade, but he tried to hold on to the last piece of hope that he had.

“Relax, Eren,” he whispered to himself. “He could be at work, or with friends, or maybe he didn’t hear his phone going off. Don’t jump to conclusions. It’s okay. It’s okay.”

Taking a deep breath, Eren tried one more time. The call tone was agonizing and his chest clenched when it went to voicemail. He hung up and tried again. Tried again. And again and again. Again.

No answer.


	5. (I Need A Fix) Bitter and Sick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"Put me through Hell again,  
>  I miss the fire..."_

“Are you sure about this?”

Mikasa sighed tiredly and rolled her tense shoulders. “No,” she admitted. “But I’m still going to do it. I have to.”

Jean stepped up behind her and wrapped his arms loosely around her waist. “Mikasa, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”

The thought of ignoring Eren’s request was truly tempting. Mikasa hadn’t promised to go or called ahead to say she was coming. She was still in the clear. If she really wanted, she could stay home with her fiance and pretend Eren’s call never came. Her brother could think she hated him all he wanted and she could start moving on again.

Except that she had never truly moved on in the first place.

Mikasa closed her eyes while she counted to ten and let her head fall back against Jean’s shoulder. “I know. Thank you. But I think I need to do this,” she explained softly, opening her eyes and turning in his arms to face him. “Maybe it’ll help.”

With their eyes met now, Mikasa could see the stress all over Jean’s face. His chin was unshaven and his hair messy from running his hands through it again and again. Countless hours of lost sleep showed itself in the form of dark circles under his eyes and anxiety was evident in his chewed nails and the quick bouncing of his leg. 

He and Eren hadn’t been friends for long. In fact, Mikasa wasn’t sure they would even call each other a friend. From the moment they met, they were at war. They respected each other, but they hated each other. They were friends, but they didn’t care about being too harsh or hurting the other’s feelings. Mikasa had broken up countless fights between the pair, but nothing compared to the last time.

Mikasa could easily recall just how furious Jean had been the last time they had seen him, right before Eren was admitted into his father’s clinic. She could still feel every ounce of pain from that day. She still cried over it, over Eren. 

But if this was a way for her to find closure, she knew Jean would respect it and support her no matter what.

“Alright,” Jean’s voice was more quiet than usual. “Keep me posted. Please.”

Mikasa couldn’t help but smile at Jean’s concern. She knew how big of a step this was for both of them, so when he asked this she couldn’t possibly deny him. “I’ll let you know when I get there and when I leave. I’ll tell you how it went, I promise. How about I pick up some pizza on the way back? My treat.”

Jean chuckled in relief and rested his forehead against hers. “Sounds good. Just don’t forget the pineapples on half. I love you, Mikasa.”

“I love you too, weirdo,” Mikasa smiled and gently pressed a kiss to Jean’s lips. When he kissed her back slowly, she knew he was just trying to draw out this moment for as long as he could, but he reluctantly let her go.

Living in the center of the city made for a quick ten minute walk to her destination. Fifteen and counting if you add the time she’s been sitting on the stone steps of her adoptive father’s institute twiddling her thumbs. With every second that passed, her body felt rooted to her place; tendrils of stubborn pride and fear reaching down into the core of the earth and pulling taut.

It was the unknown that frightened her most. How would Eren react when they reunited? How would  _ she  _ react when she saw him for the first time? Would he still house the same roaring flames in his eyes as before, or had medication and therapy burnt them out? Would that be a good thing if it had?

Mikasa loved his determination most. She loved his resolve to be a better person, to fight for what he believed in, to defend himself and others when he needed to. It was that passion, that unruly inferno that drew people in, but it was also what had landed him here. His inability to accept reality, to call a nightmare what it was and move on.

His best quality had ultimately turned out to be his own undoing.

Fifteen minutes turned into twenty, and twenty into thirty since she had left the apartment. Mikasa’s hands felt numb around her phone, her thumbs pressed to the smooth surface of the touchscreen in preparation to tell Jean that she had changed her mind and was coming home early.

She was so lost in thought that she hadn’t heard the door to the clinic open behind her. Or the voice that had been calling out her name until someone tapped on her shoulder.

“Mikasa, hey!”

Mikasa jumped in her place and looked up at who had been trying to get her attention, her stormy eyes blown wide in shock. “Armin? What are you doing here?”

He looked so different from the last time she had seen him. His usually bright blue eyes were dull from exhaustion, his smile more drained. His long blond hair that she had been nagging him about for years was finally cut short, making him look more mature now. It took Mikasa a moment to realize Armin was wearing scrubs and a name badge, making it perfectly obvious why he was here.

“I got transferred to Dr. Jaeger’s office last month,” Armin confessed with a sheepish smile. “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to bring up… Well, you know. I’m sorry.”

Mikasa stared at her best friend for a moment, then nodded in understanding. “There’s nothing for you to apologize for. I probably would have done the same thing. Have you seen him?”

Armin didn’t have to hear his name to know she was talking about Eren. His face fell into a frown, his expression hard with resentment. “No. And I don’t want to. Dr. Jaeger understood that, so he’s kept us away from each other. As far as I know, Eren has no idea that I’m even here.”

Mikasa’s heart dropped, though she wasn’t exactly sure why. A part of her had hoped that maybe Armin and Eren had rekindled their old friendship. Maybe they were working things out and that meant that Mikasa could too. But that hope was snuffed out under the heat of Armin’s gaze.

“I’m sorry for asking,” she whispered with eyes downcast.

“It’s alright. I’m sorry I kinda snapped.” Armin sighed and looked Mikasa over. “If you don’t mind me asking, why are you here?”

Mikasa’s hands tightened around the straps of her purse as she looked back up into Armin’s tired eyes. He already knew why she was here before the words even left her mouth. “Eren contacted me and asked me to visit.”

The air grew thicker between the two than it already felt and Armin’s expression turned dark. “Oh.”

“Armin,” Mikasa paused to inhale, but it didn’t seem like the air wanted to soothe her tight lungs. “I miss him. As much as I want to hate him, I can’t. I’m not trying to excuse his actions from before but--”

“He shoved you down onto a broken vase during one of his tantrums.” The words were ice cold on Armin’s lips. “It may be unintentional, but excusing his actions is exactly what you’re doing by coming here.”

Mikasa felt her own anger boiling up in the pit of her stomach. “I’m only giving him a chance to prove that he’s changed. If I see that he hasn’t, I’m out of here and I won’t be coming back. But if there’s even the smallest chance that I could get my brother back, I’ll take it.”

Armin watched Mikasa’s face for a long time, silent as his eyes searched hers before he turned away to continue down the steps. “I hope you know what you’re getting yourself into.”

Mikasa froze as every doubt and aching anxiety returned ten-fold.  She had no idea what she was getting herself into. Her head swam with nervous thoughts that begged only one question.

Should she even be here?

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Remember that kudos and comments make my day! :D
> 
> Since this story takes place in an insane asylum, there may be triggering content for some readers. There's talk of mental illness, forced medication, needles, anxiety, depression, Intermittent Explosive Disorder, character death, and depictions of violence. Tags will be added as these themes come up, so please be sure to check for any add-ons before reading each update. Thank you. <3
> 
> Also! A huge and loving thank you to ConstantCacoethes! Zam, you're amazing and I love you so much! Thank you for being my beta! <3


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